Killing me softly with his song

FROM THE HEART: A silent prayer for charity in the face of adversity.

SHE moved from table to table in a busy coffeeshop with a basket of vegetables and some foochow dumplings.

Stopping by my table where I was having breakfast with my young children, she said in Foochow: “Auntie, please help. My daughter-in-law met with a road accident -- the children need money to buy textbooks and milk powder.”

My young children, clearly shocked that their mum was showing no sympathy, pleaded: “Mummy, please buy her vegetables.”

I did not. She moved on to the next table. Not quite recovered from what they saw, one of my children asked: “Mummy, is it because she looks older and she called you auntie and you were not happy, so you didn’t help her?”

It was a then unpleasant experience, especially when I was taken in earlier by her sorrowful tales of mishaps and her fake goodness of offering more than she was actually making from selling her ware.

My suspicion of her contrived state of poverty was confirmed when I found out that her son actually has a high-paying job at a reputable company, her daughter-in-law did not meet with any accident and the veges and siew mai she sold were overnight stuff.

More than a decade has elapsed and my children have grown up. But the woman still tells the same old story to make an easy buck -- like the interminable accidents her daughter-in-law seems to meet day after day and her grandchildren perpetually remaining infants in need of milk powder – apparently forever.

Moving on -- last month, we were dining at a western food restaurant. Three persons stood in front of us -- one of them strumming a guitar – and sang us a song. After that, they placed a card on the table and asked for a donation supposedly for a foreign charitable organisation.

Come to think of it, we are actually a land of charitable people – very often, we stand ready to oblige some outwardly well-meaning musicians “strumming our pain with their fingers, killing us softly with their songs.” Even with some doubts in our minds, we still open our wallets and contribute freely!

Then there was this 74-year-old businessman who donated a piece of land to two associations in the hope that a building could be erected for the benefit of the members and to earn some income from renting out the space.

One year had passed and there was no news of these two associations embarking on the project. Another year gone with no good news either -- and a third year slipped by in dead silence.

The old man gave the associations an ultimatum through the media to produce a concrete plan within a month or he would reclaim the land for other philanthropic purposes.

There are some who ask whether the elderly Good Samaritan is promoting himself by reminding the public – through the ultimatum -- that he has donated land to the associations?

But the spetuagenarian told the media that he was not promoting himself, saying he was old and just hoped to see his wish fulfilled. He reminded the media not to play up his ultimatum.

Can the kind old timer’s wish be realised? Can he reclaim his land and give it to more deserving quarters? This will be his “charity pains” in the days to come.

Lately, it seems more and more people are claiming to represent certain benevolent bodies and asking for public donations. I find it easier and less guilty (why should my conscience be pricking?) to turn down these people politely by telling them I have my own donation plans.

I have come up with a “how to donate” list to avoid the pain of knowing my better nature has been taken advantage of. The tagline is be the hunter, not the hunted – do not respond to solicitations for money. Instead, decide what causes you genuinely want to support.

Rule No. 1:  Give to someone I know. They can be my friends, my friends’ friends or family members or a project raised by my friends. There must have a personal connection.

Rule No. 2: Give to those in immediate need, like during an emergency or disaster. But then, we still need to be careful about which organisations we are channelling our donations through. Go for well-known charitable bodies or own church. Take one more step to check how efficient these bodies are.

Rule No. 3: Give to those whom you can visibly see are in need -- like a physically challenged person.

Rule No. 4:  Look for organisations with good stewardship -- that is how they manage their funds and transparency. I have seen organisations raising a million ringgit while spending RM500,000 on a charitable dinner to immortalise their charitable acts. Whether what they have lavished on the dinner are from the donations received or funded by the organisation concerned, the money could well have gone into the charity fund.

That leads to Rule No. 5: Evaluate how the charitable organisations portray themselves in the media.

There is an increasing trend amongst society in general to give to charity or raise awareness about a charity with the agenda of looking good in the process.

Some people use their donations or charity works to lift their own profile and expect to be acknowledged for it rather than going about it without any fanfare purely to help others.

Charity is supposed to be a noble, selfless act that should be kept from the public eye, especially the media.

“Don’t let your left hand know what your right hand is doing” is a hard act to follow. Most donors are not only adverse to keeping their acts of generosity secret, they also make sure reporters and photographers are on hand to record their humanitarianism  for posterity.

There is a clear line between giving to charity and promoting oneself in the name of doing charity to gain attention and publicity.

But, let’s not shy away from “charity” just because it hurts sometimes. Our greatest good for humanity is in helping others help themselves through love that is not influenced by selfish motives -- certainly not like the vege and dumpling seller who attempted to project her depravation in public -- but then, not everyone is fooled by her disguised trickery.